Godaime of the Mist
by EeBee-kohai
Summary: Tsunade, for some unknown reason, never became Hokage. Zabuza and Haku never died. Zabuza and Haku were Konoha citizen's, and, further more, Zabuza was Konoha's Hokage. What kind of Hokage is he? Haku and Zabuza get riled up over some of Zabuza's methods.


**I had lots of fun writing this. I only planning on making it a one-shot, but Lil' DeiDei has suggested that I make it a real, full-fledged story. After putting a poll up, I decided that this generally ought to be a multi-chaptered story. The final draft should be finished by about September, if I'm lucky. Well, my fans, I can't wait to hear your feedback come September!**

**Inauguration**

Zabuza ran a hand over the edge of his sword. "I, Momochi Zabuza, am honored to take the place as the Godaime Hokage of Konoha."

Danzo handed the man his Hokage robes rather violently without any visible facial expression. "Here, Hoka–Ack!" A very large blade hacking him apart from the vicinity of Zabuza soon cut him off.

"Now, Danzo, you'll know not to mess with me! Have you learned your lesson? DON'T THROW THINGS AT MOMOCHI ZABUZA!" Zabuza noted the lack of reply and looked at the bloody mess on the ground. "What's up with him?" he asked Haku.

"Um… Zabuza-sama…He's kind of… not alive…?" Haku said in his very girly voice.

"Why not? I prohibit him dying in my presence! I'll kill him for this!" The Hokage shook his fist and his shiny sword in the air dangerously.

"Hokage-sama, can we get on with the ceremony?" a foolish council member requested.

"Don't rush Momochi Zabuza!" Zabuza hacked the rather foolish council member apart.

Haku shook his head at his mentor. "Zabuza, you can't kill everyone. You'll have no village."

Zabuza looked at Haku blankly for a moment. "I guess you're right. But I have to kill the Cat!" He looked out at the sky fiercely.

Haku sweatdropped. "The… cat?"

"Yes, Haku. The Cat. As in Copy _Cat_ Kakashi."

"Oh! It would sound more threatening if you had said, _'I have to kill the evil Sharingan user, Kakashi!'_" Haku advised seriously. "Plus, killing animals is mean," he added.

"True, but _'the Cat'_ is so much shorter."

"You could say _'the Copier'_."

"Then it sounds like I'm talking about a printer/scanner machine."

"Hmm… maybe you could say, _'I have to kill Kakashi.'_ That's not too long," Haku suggested.

"That's a whole two extra syllables! If I said that every time I mentioned wanting to kill him, it would take ages to actually kill him."

Haku blinked rapidly. "You're worried over two extra syllables? Do you care at all how cool or dangerous you sound?"

Zabuza rolled his eyes. "Well, of course! I already accepted this paperwork-loaded job, I don't have time for two extra syllables."

A pointed cough brought the two out of their discussion.

"Excuse me, Zabuza-sama, will you make your speech? We've been waiting for ages."

The man, sadly, found himself at the wrong place at the wrong time. The authoress feels that you'd have to be a complete moron to not understand what she is talking about, so she will spare you the gory details.

"If you want to look good as Hokage, you should probably not do that at your inauguration ceremony, Zabuza-san," Haku suggested loyally.

Zabuza replied with a grunt as he headed to the top of the Hokage Tower.

"Here is the new Hokage, MOMOCHI ZABUZA!" The annoying announcer moved out of the way a second too late as Zabuza hacked him apart for no apparent reason, other than he felt like it.

"Haku, get me my note cards," Zabuza whispered as he waved to the crowd of Konoha citizens.

Haku nodded as he rummaged through his pockets. He looked up at Zabuza and his face fell as he went pale. "Zabuza-san, I…I forgot them."

Zabuza looked at him with wild eyes. "What should I say? It took me hours to plan what to say!"

The crowd had begun to get rowdy so Zabuza decided to wing it. "Fellow Konoha-ians!"

Replies such as, "What the heck?" "Konoha…-ians?" and "Is this guy really able to be our Hokage?" came from the crowd.

Zabuza thought quickly. "I am offering free cookies after the ceremony." Wait, that wasn't what he'd meant to say. "I mean, I want to hack you all into little pieces! Gah!" Why couldn't he speak right?

Haku noticed his uncomfortable mentor and tried to smooth things out. "Ladies and gentlemen! Zabuza-sama is a little nervous. What he meant was, he'll hack apart anyone who tries to harm this village!"

The crowd cheered. From the far back corner of the crowd, a very loud cheer came from a blonde boy who appeared to be hopping up and down energetically. "GO ZABUZA! WOOHOO!"

"Haku, tell me what to say," Zabuza whispered.

Haku whispered something in response.

"Perfect!"

Zabuza turned back to the crowd. "I come before you today to tell you that I am your loyal Hokage and…uh…"

He began to sweat profusely.

He whispered to Haku, "What was the rest?"

Haku whispered back.

Zabuza once again turned to the villagers "…I am your loyal Hokage and I will protect you!"

He turned away after waving. "Well that sucked."

An ANBU member stopped him and handed him a set of keys. "DON'T STOP ME WHILE I'M WALKING!" Zabuza unmercifully hacked the ANBU apart.

The crowd could hear a few shredding sounds, followed by silence.

"Well, that's more like it!" Zabuza exclaimed as he walked into his quarters. "Hey, there's only one bed! Where's Haku going to sleep?"

"He can have an apartment in the village," another rather moronic council member explained well rather moronically. Zabuza hacked him apart, too.

"Are you suggesting that my _son_ live separately from me?" Zabuza asked the dead man. "Answer me!"

"Zabuza-san, he's dead, too," Haku explained.

"Hey, who's your son? I thought you only had a daughter," someone asked.

_Someone_ got hacked apart.

"Haku is my son. He's _not_ a girl! How dare that man die in my presence! I already forbade it! I don't know how I'm going to get a chance to do all the paper work and kill the _Man_ if I'm always having to punish the people who die in my presence."

"Zabuza-san, how can you kill someone who's already dead?" Haku asked with clear confusion.

Zabuza thought for a moment. "I can't quite explain it right, but you see, they may not be actually dead, so you can the kill them."

"But if they're not dead, you don't have to worry about killing them, right?"

"Well… I guess, but then I'd kill them for not being dead and then I'd kill them for being dead in my presence."

"But then you wouldn't need to kill them. Because they're already dead."

"But they're not really dead, so then I _can _kill them. Then I have to kill them for being dead in my presence."

"Wait, wait, wait! So you kill someone, then they aren't really dead, but you kill them for being dead? But they aren't dead, so you _can't_ kill them for being dead. But you kill them anyway and then kill them for being dead? But they're _already_ dead!" Haku's eyes went wild in confusion.

"Exactly."

"Exactly, what? You didn't answer my questions!"

Zabuza tried to explain it simply for his confused subordinate. "I kill someone once they piss me off. But I have to kill them for dying in my presence, but they aren't dead, so then I kill them. But once they die, I have to kill them for dying. So then I kill them."

"But they're _already_ dead when you finally kill them."

"Exactly. That's why I killed them."

Haku put his head in his hands. "You can't kill someone who's already dead, Zabuza-san."

"Once they, die, I _have_ to kill them for dying."

"But they're _already_ dead," Haku deadpanned.

"Like I said, that's why they need to die."

"But Zabuza-san, they're dead. Once you kill them, even if they aren't dead the first time, they will be dead when you decide to kill them because they are dead. Basically, you can't kill them, because they _are_ dead, if they are dead."

"But, Haku, you have to understand, if they are dead in my presence, I have to punish them. So I'll kill them."

"But that's not possible to kill someone who's actually dead, unless they aren't dead at all. But then you wouldn't be killing them because they are dead. You'd be killing them once they _are_ dead, but that's not possible, because they are dead."

"When people die in my presence, I kill them for dying. It's quite simple."

"But Zabuza-sama, then you'll be killing someone who's already dead forever."

"No. Once I kill them for being dead, I've killed them. Why would I need to do it again?"

"_Exactly_."

"Exactly, what?" Zabuza asked.

"Once they're dead, you've already killed them so how, or why, would you kill them again?"

"How? I'd use my very large and shiny sword. Why? Because they died in my presence."

Haku paused. He felt a headache coming on. "Zabuza-sama, I–oh, Kami, I'm tired."

"Godaime!" a masked ANBU ran into the room. "I've just received news that Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame of the Akatsuki have arrived in Konoha!"

The poor ANBU got hacked to pieces by Zabuza.

"Don't shout in my presence! Hey! Don't die! Now I have to kill you!"

Inauguration


End file.
